I have not been blogging for a while.
To be honest, I feel like I haven’t had the brain power to think properly about my feelings and how to apply them into words. Those who know me know I have not been in a good place the last month or so. I have felt a little uninspired and whenever I try, the words have just not appeared in my head. I think with my change in routine and juggling my Masters, my internship and my work into the seven days of a week, my brain has been sucked into all those and I have neglected my thoughts and my deep feelings.
At university before Christmas, we had a writing exercise to write about home and I interpreted this as writing about the feelings in my home. I found as I wrote down all the good, my mind could not ignore the bad, and so I found my fingers typing away the utter dread and sadness I am feeling inside – the feelings I have hidden deep deep down. This exercise slowly opened up those dark thoughts that I had pushed aside in the two years, and now I cannot seem to shake them off.
In my counselling sessions, I have unravelled how angry I actually am internally with this situation and I am not quite sure how to confront my anger, seeing as the “anger-in-question” has left the country, and I have no way to vent properly. I am posting this onto my blog, and even though it is a letter of my hurt, writing it will help me begin to feel peaceful again. This was talked about in recent sessions and we thought it a good idea I write all my angry feelings down, so, I am going to write to my “anger”, as if it were standing in front of me.
As if he were standing in front of me.
Where do I begin? Two years it has been and still I do not know why. I live everyday hopeful that the doorbell will ring and it will you be standing outside the door, taking back what you’ve done and saying that you’re sorry – sorry for the constant pain in my heart that you have caused and sorry that you left. You did not even tell me you had decided to move. ‘You had nothing to stay here for, nothing to keep you here’ is what you said to me…do you actually understand how much those words cut through me? You have shattered my heart, my understanding of love, of hope, and you do not care. At least, you don’t seem to. Thinking a couple of emails is enough to mend our relationship and thinking it is okay to miss out on important events in mine and our lives. You have deeply messed up and you will regret your choices. That, I can guarantee. You cannot take time back, and this is what aches my heart everyday – knowing that you have made the wrong choice. I am struggling to deal with my feelings, my thoughts as well as struggling to juggle everything else in life, and it is hard…but you should be here for these moments. You should be here to ask if I am okay and if I need any help. You, as you are, should be here. But you are not. And I hate you for that. You make me feel jealous of other people in ways that make me ugly; you make me cynical in thinking love doesn’t last forever which makes me a non-believer, but most of all, you are breaking me in ways you do not even know by not being here. You are killing me and anger is festering inside my body; it is eating away at my happiness and is consuming all my light. I feel I am sinking as each day passes by and soon I will disappear with only a dark shadow of myself left lying here. Only, you won’t be here to save me. You have made your choices and have moved on – to your new life with your new family. I am stuck in time, in your past, and you don’t want me in your future. If you had, you wouldn’t have left. You would have stayed and fought, like you should have done. Like the man I once knew you were would have done. But that man has gone – he has disintegrated from your being and has left a body unrecognisable in its place. I do not know you, and you sadly do not know me anymore. You have changed my life, in bad ways of course, but you have also made me realise how because things do not last forever, that I need to grab at every opportunity I can and to not take anything for granted. You have made my ambition strive to its best, and that is why I am doing the best I can everyday I am given; because I know I am blessed and I am grateful for my life. I am just sorry that you could not see all the good you had in yours. I hope you are happy now and soaking up the sun you said you hated so much, and I do honestly wish you well in your new life. I do have to get on with mine, and this is an outlet that I feel will work for me, by writing this letter. I need to let go of my anger you have caused otherwise I feel I will disappear. I will not let myself disappear.
So, I end this note with a hope that one day you will reflect upon the choices you have made and I want you to know that I loved you. I really did, but I struggle to right now. Make me change my mind.